It's a rollercoaster ride we're on

Yesterday was quite a rollercoaster ride. What started off as a normal work day at CMT quickly changed into an emotional rollercoaster. Some of these emotions were work related and some were personal, yet the personal ones seeped into my work. One of the first things that happened was my mom texting me to tell me that my uncle who has been in and out of the hospitals for surgeries over the past couple of months probably wouldn't make it to the end of the day. So now I have to continue through my day while carrying around this weight of apprehension. It was like a tangle of nerves, a rock, in the pit of my stomach all day, yet I had to continue my job, keeping my composure while handling my duties. Then some minor work related stress came in the afternoon after our weekly viewing of the show when I discovered that we had to switch out a bonus music video for another one, which meant I had to go back and re-write the closed captioning script to reflect the changes as well as replace the lyrics. Then I hear the news that my uncle has passed and all I want to do is cry at my desk, but how unprofessional would that be? Then literally five minutes after I have read the news on my sister's Facebook wall, my little sister is calling me to tell me that she has been accepted at my college. Which should make me very happy, but it is hard to be happy when I can still feel the lump in my throat and my eyes are still glazed with silent tears. Then my mother beeps through and I take her call, and she unleashes on her stress on me. She rants about how the money situation is going to be so tight if my sister begins to attend my school. And I know this is a concern, a big concern, but how am I supposed to do anything about it? She goes on about how she has already paid for my cousins, my aunt and my grandma to come visit next week, and now she will have to fly to Miami for my uncle's funeral. And then she will have to fly out to WA in a few weeks to move my sister into her dorm, although I could probably do that myself. I move in the same day she does, I would be more than happy to get her to where she needs to be. But I really can understand where my mom is coming from. My school is expensive, I'm not going to deny that. But my dad makes good money and if they just cut back on eating out and buying things that they don't need I think that God will provide. We just need to rely on him. Plus, with both of us out of the house, and my dad in Iraq how much money will my mother really be spending?
Although another part of me thinks that the real reason she is upset isn't the money or my sister's medical problems. I think is afraid of all of her daughters moving away. As much as she complains about my little sister still living at home, I think she likes it because then she is not alone. Maybe she doesn't want my sister to start school in the fall because then she will have to be alone while my dad is in Iraq. But I just can't carry around everyone else's emotions. It is so hard just living my own life, to have all of this other stuff thrown on me as well is sometimes more than I can handle. I am really happy that my sister has been accepted at my school, and proud that she would want to go to the same school I do. I am also glad because I will get to see her all the time, so every time something happens that I know only she can relate to, she will be right there to enjoy it with me. But I know I am the go between. My mom will be calling all the time to 'check up' on my sister and I am hoping that I can handle it. This is my senior year. My last year to hang out with my friends all the time, and do pretty much whatever we want before we have to enter the 'real world'. The world of 9-5 jobs and rent, and car payments and all that other stuff that comes with being a responsible adult. I hope that I won't die of stress before that happens.
And readers, I apologize for throwing all this onto you, but if I didn't let it out somewhere it was going to erupt inside me and I can't handle that. I could feel it building up just from yesterday. I can't imagine what another 24 hours would do. Thanks for being so patient. It is nice to be able to let this all out. LIke that breath of air after you have been under the water for too long. Wish I could meet you all in person and give you a hug. And for those of you that I do know in person, expect a hug the next time we meet face - to - face. [you know who you are.]